I’m taking a quick break from a busy day to write down my thoughts before I go mental. Life has been a drag. I’ve been hating myself more than usual. I haven’t been sleeping well. My anxiety is through the roof. However, I am doing my best to create space for gratefulness.
It can be too easy to write a list of every little thing I hate about my life. That is such a no brainer. I am especially hard on myself; so on a day-to-day basis, I just hate everything. This voice inside my head tells me I can do better or things should be better. It triggers me to hate the things I cannot have or cannot do.
I hate that I cannot work longer so I can earn more. If I work harder and longer, I can achieve x or y. I hate that I cannot do my headstand perfectly. If only I have enough arm and core strength, it might not be a problem to execute difficult yoga poses. I hate that I need eight hours of sleep to function properly. If I do not get enough sleep, I will just be grumpy the entire day. I hate how sickly I am. My immune system has always been bad since I was a kid. You get it. The list goes on.
I try to be kind to myself. I meditate and do yoga to remind myself that I matter in a space full of other people. Unfortunately, the inner critic gets the best of me. On most days, I tend to listen to the voice. I wallow up on my self-pity and allow hatred to take over me.
Today, I am taking the time to have a heart that’s full of gratefulness.
I am grateful for clients who have been nothing but kind. I am lucky to have found dream clients who send me gifts on my birthday or ask me how my doctor’s appointment went. My projects have allowed me to earn and save for my little wants and needs. Despite wanting more, I am lucky for having the opportunity to pursue my little desires and to have more than what I what need. I am still able to travel when I can, purchase workout gear when the need arises, gift my family and friends just because, and eat deliciously when I crave for it.
I am grateful for the wonderful connections I have. Some of them have led me to projects and to people that shaped me to become who I am today. It seems that my path, despite how crazy it was, led me to a life that it is imperfectly perfect. I know I am better off now than I was when I began my unconventional path.
Ten years ago, I dreamed of having the things I now have. Back then, I never imagined I could achieve them. It was just a hope, a little wish. It was just a maybe, a thought that was floating around in my head. Now that I currently have more than I did years ago, it can be easy to take things for granted. It is too easy to want more. I forgot the rough road I had the take and the hardships I hade to endure to get me to where I am. I got used to the shiny object I once wanted that suddenly I just hungered for more. This downward-spiral of unhappiness and discontent drove me crazy. I was no longer counting my blessings. Instead, I was counting all the reasons why my life is “wrong.”
By writing this, I want to remind myself that life has been better. It may not be exactly how I want it to be, but I have what I need and so much more. I know I could do better. There is always room for growth and improvement, but I don’t have to be angry. Life unfolds when it’s time to unfold. There’s no need to rush and be so hard on myself.
I admit it can be difficult to have that wee bit of gratefulness when all I see are things that are not going my way. However, I try. I am human after all. I stumble. Then, I try again. Above all, I keep trying to make space for gratefulness in a heart that is weak but continuously hopeful.